I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
why do cheetos always look like penises
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
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