I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
