i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Randomize
