I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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