I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
