Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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