I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
The struggles of a small town man whore
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
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