I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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