did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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