theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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