sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
i will never coherently bang her
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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