I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
