You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Randomize
