You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
Randomize
