Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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