i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Randomize
