I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
