Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
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this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
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You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.