My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
the night ended with taco bell and tears
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey