I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
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