So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
