If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Randomize
