You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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