I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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