When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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