when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Randomize
