Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
