a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Randomize
