thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
