Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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