my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
