I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
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