yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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