i think i have two assholes
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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