I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
