You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
