i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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