Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
