Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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