why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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