Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Randomize
