i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
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