i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Randomize
