So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Randomize
