ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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