Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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