Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
My butt remains clenched, sir.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Randomize
