can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
