so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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