we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
you guys were way drunker than both of me
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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