Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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