At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
