Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Randomize
