In the future we'll all be gay
Tell her she can't have a vagina
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
