did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
