hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
