I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
i think my mom watched the whole time
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
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This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
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I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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