idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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