Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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