textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Randomize
